


The Language of Love

by WakingBetweenWorlds



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Reylo - Freeform, TFA spoilers, TLJ Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:27:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22996912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WakingBetweenWorlds/pseuds/WakingBetweenWorlds
Summary: Love can be indescribable, or love can be a million adjectives all at once. The love of a friend. The love of a child. The love of a lover. The definition of love can be both everything and nothing. The form of love can be fluid from one definition to the next. Love is hard. Love takes you by surprise. Sometimes, love is quiet. Other times, love is deafening. And the evolution of love, that’s the most beautiful thing of all.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 50





	1. Xeníā

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a little Valentine’s Day fic inspired by that adorable New York Life Super Bowl commercial, but unfortunately life happens and I’m posting much later than originally intended. 
> 
> Anyway, the rating is ‘Explicit’, however it’s only for one chapter, which is clearly marked. I have done my best to include the correct tags, but if you notice something I’ve forgotten, please let me know and I will be more than happy to update the tags.
> 
> This story is complete and will be split into four parts, which will be posted bi-weekly on Fridays. This will give me time to revise my work before I post since I do not use a beta. I will do my best to stick to my posting schedule.
> 
> I hope that you enjoy reading, and please feel free to comment here or reach out on Twitter or Tumblr. I’m relatively new to all this, so any comments or criticisms are welcome. I look forward to interacting with you!

**ξενία**  
_The Ancient Greek concept of hospitality; the generosity and courtesy shown to guests._

* * *

She startled awake from the artificial slumber forced upon her in painfully unfamiliar surroundings. Cold, unyielding metal and thick straps of leather restrained her against a flat surface. Immediately, she sensed she wasn’t alone. The monster from her visions crouched before her. Even resting on his haunches, he appeared much too large for the small interrogation room. 

“Where am I?”

“You are my guest.”

“Where are the others?”

“You mean the murderers, traitors, and thieves you call friends? You’ll be relieved to hear I have no idea.”

His voice sounded strangely mechanical as he spoke through the vocoder of his mask. The fathomless void of eyeless sockets stared back at her as he spoke. Even kneeling at her feet, he presented an imposing presence, and she couldn’t help the fear that rolled through her. She attempted to assuage her turbulent mind and reel-in her anxiety. She couldn’t afford to appear weak.

“You still want to kill me.”

“That happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask.”

He was only slightly caught off guard by her words. With little hesitation, he activated the release for the mask and removed the helm. Finally standing at his full height, he regarded her carefully. His face, though void of any emotion, was oddly handsome, and she couldn’t help staring. He stood stock still under her appraising gaze before pacing quickly toward her. He slammed the discarded mask down next to her.

Once more, she tried to suppress her dread as he stalked closer. His expression remained stoic, but heavy brows drew together in concentration and torrid emotions swirled through his dark eyes. Impossibly close now, he completely invaded her personal space. Training her eyes on the wall before her, she struggled to avoid his gaze.

“Tell me about the droid.”

“He’s a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyper scan vindicator...”

“It’s carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest, recovered from the archives of the Empire, but we need the last piece. And somehow, you convinced the droid to show it to you ... You. A scavenger.”

His voice was low and calm as he spoke. The sound was almost soothing without interference from the vocoder. However, his words were harsh and ripped her bare. She refused to show how severely they affected her. Glaring at him from the corner of her eye, she fought the tears threatening to fall. He leaned impossibly closer, voice barely above a whisper.

“You know I can take whatever I want.”

More cold fear shot through her as he pressed forward, unbearably close. Cringing away from the invasion, she felt his presence pushing into her mind. A large hand stretched toward her. Leaning ever closer. But, despite his invasive posture, his tone was almost gentle.

“You’re so lonely. So afraid to leave. At night, desperate to sleep. You imagine an ocean. I see it. I see the island.”

Invading her mind, he plundered her most private thoughts. The loneliness and desperation of forced solitude on Jakku came rushing back. During her most desolate hours, with the hot desert sands surrounding her, she retreated within her mind. Visions of vast, endless oceans and scattered, craggy islands called to her. She failed to place them in her memory, but their presence in her thoughts never waivered. They were hers, and he had taken them.

His parusel of her thoughts stayed near the surface, sparing her the invasion of deeper probing. Her most recent memories flickered through her mind like watching a holofilm. He flinched, demeanor changing instantly.

“And Han Solo. You feel like he’s the father you never had. He would have disappointed you.”

He appeared almost angry that she knew Han. She cared for the older man, which only served to fuel his ire. His voice grew harsh as his temper escalated. Her anger rose in tandem with his.

“Get out of my head.”

“I know you’ve seen the map. It’s in there. And now you’ll give it to me.”

Stepping back, his hand stretched toward her. Assaulting with more force, his presence in her mind pushed more forcefully. Desperately, she fought against the onslaught, but there was no reprieve to be had. It hurt. Pain pulsed in her mind. His pushing and prodding felt like she was being torn apart. Grinding her teeth in determination, an unfamiliar feeling swelled within her.

“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”

“I’m not giving you anything!”

“We’ll see.”

Doubling his efforts, he pushed harder, probing deeper than before. She fought him valiantly. A gloved hand reached close. She could smell the black leather. Long fingers twitched in concentration as his lip curled slightly. He pushed himself forward. Clenching her jaw as tightly as possible, she feared cracking her teeth. She fought the mental invasion with all her might. However, the more she fought, the harder he pushed.

Suddenly, something akin to calm floated through her. Fingers twitching in time with the muscles in his jaw, he missed the transition in his concentration. Fighting him harder, the unfamiliar feeling unfurled and pushed from her toward him. She saw the shock evident in his eyes as she pushed back. Focusing on him, she matched his intensity and pushed further. Finally, she broke through.

“You.” 

His fear and shock were almost palpable as she spoke. Dark brows furrowed in concentration as his expressive eyes searched her face. His jaw ticked in annoyance as he struggled to rebuild the mental barriers under her assault tore through. She drew on his fear and her confidence grew as she cut him down.

“You’re afraid that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.”

A deep sense of satisfaction filled her as he ripped himself from her mind, staggering back several paces in his haste. His breathing was ragged, and fear painted his handsome features. Struggling to center himself, the twitching in his jaw spread to his lips. Her chest heaved, recovering from the exertion of invading his mind. At an impasse, they stared at each other.

Emotions raged between them. He was furious. How could an untrained scavenger from some back-water wasteland be so strong in the Force? It wasn’t impossible, but unexpected. He sensed the Force flowing through her as he first invaded her mind. He saw the flicker of light deep within her mind. However, that paled in comparison to the explosion of power as she invaded him. The burst of power intrigued him.

“You are strong in the Force. Untrained, but stronger than you can imagine. You need a teacher. I can help you understand.”

“I need nothing from the likes of you.”

She seethed in anger. How dare he believe that she would hand herself willingly over to him. It had to be trick. He kidnapped her. He forced her into restraints. He invaded her mind. He was ruthless and wretched. She wanted nothing to do with him. He was a monster, with or without the mask.

Invading her personal space once more, barely suppressed fury swirled around him. He would show her. He had to show her. He restrained his temper as best he could. He pressed into her mind again, tentatively. He tried to be more gentle, only a slight nudge against the surface. She forced him out with rage that boiled just beneath the surface. The crashing waves of their mutual anger was unmistakable. In the moment, he forgot everything that wasn’t her.

“Don’t you see? You have potential. I can help you. I can show you how to harness all that rage and pain.”

Pinning her with a fierce gaze, his voice pleaded with her to understand. Growling low through clenched teeth, her anger spiked at the thought. How could this creature assume he had anything she needed. She jerked violently, struggling against her restraints. If she could only free herself, she would have the chance to escape him. 

“Don’t fight it. Focus on the Force. Can’t you feel it?”

She wanted to scream. She wanted to rage and thrash against her restraints. She wanted to lash out at him. She could feel him prodding at her mind as she fought against him. She was terrified that he was trying to trap her. She couldn't relax and focus. She feared that he would invade her mind once more and take the information he wanted. She grit her teeth and fought harder.

“I won’t. I’ll never give you what you want.”

He was trying so hard. He had never fought so hard to restrain himself. Every brush against her mind was calm and controlled. He was being gentle with her, trying to soothe her. He wanted her to give in to the Force. He wanted to see what she was capable of. He wanted _her_ to see what she was capable of.

“You’re wrong. Forget the droid and the map. Focus on the Force. Feel your potential. I can show you. Please.”

His voice was softer now and she searched his piercing gaze for any clue to his intentions. And while his face remained a perfect mask of stoicism, his eyes begged her to understand. They pleaded with her to trust him. His anger had all but faded. Now that she was paying attention, his presence in her mind felt more soothing than invasive. 

She couldn’t explain it, but she felt the connection crack open. She knew in her bones that trusting him was her only option. It felt like a cord in her gut pulling her in the right direction. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself to focus. She struggled to find the feeling that had surrounded her as she fought him. 

It started as an undefinable tug against her instincts. As the feeling grew, her focus sharpened and her breathing evened. She could feel it now, the Force moving between them. It rolled from him and crashed against her, like the waves of the oceans she had seen in her dreams. The Force ebbed and flowed between them, and she sunk deeper into the feeling.

He watched with awed satisfaction as she stretched her senses to explore the Force around them. He felt her curiosity as she lightly nudged against him. He sensed her confusion with what was happening. He felt the calm that settled within her, like a missing piece. Her emotions were a tangible thing to him as she pressed deeper into the Force. He fought to keep himself open to her.

“You feel it.”

It wasn’t a question. Somehow, she understood that he knew exactly what she was feeling at that moment. Just like she could feel him. He radiated satisfaction as she gave in to the Force. He was pleased that she was opening herself. But underneath, she could sense his own pain. She didn’t understand. She pushed harder. He allowed it. She felt him resisting the urge to push her out. She realized then that he was just as lonely and isolated as she was. Kindred spirits of sorts, linked in the Force.

The Force rose from him, and just like that, she was free of her restraints. Large hands fell firm against her shoulders, steading her. Her breath came in heavy pants as her eyes snapped open to focus on him. Despite pulling herself from her unintentional meditative state, she could feel him. Although it wasn’t as strong as when she allowed herself to focus on him fully. Now, he was more like a tickle at the back of her mind. Her brows knit in concentration.

“Why?”

Why what, exactly? Why was she here? Why could she feel him? Why was she able to access the Force? Why did he free her? The questions twisted in her mind. There were so many things she wanted to ask him at that moment, but her tongue was tied. The intensity of his gaze was stifling. She could see the emotional torment swirling within him.

As he stared at her, the Force raging around them, he knew. His master would want her. There was no way he could turn her over to Snoke. Yes, she was strong with the Force. Yes, she desperately needed training. However, he could not subject her to the training that he had suffered through at Snoke’s hand. He would not allow her to be broken. Her light was too bright for that. Heaving a heavy sigh, he straightened and pulled away from her.

“You have to go. Now. The attack on the base will provide enough of a distraction.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“There’s no time. Follow the corridor to the core and climb up. You will reach the surface without drawing any attention.”

He spoke more firmly now, insistent that she listen to him. She didn’t understand his motivation, but she wouldn’t look a gift fathier in the mouth. Her only acknowledgement was to nod and follow him into the corridor. Without another word, he pointed her in the right direction and stalked away. Although she was thoroughly shaken by the experience, she couldn’t hold back the relief in his change of heart and decision to release her. 

Quickly, she made her way through the base. Trooper encounters were slim, but she did manage to hide herself before she was caught. With her newly discovered abilities, she found that she could feel them before they approached. Following his directions to the letter, she trusted that he wasn’t leading her into a trap. What purpose would it serve after releasing her, anyway?

Finally, she reunited with her friends, greeting her with hugs and quiet questions. It was Finn who held her arms, pressing for answers.

“How did you escape?”

“I didn’t. He let me go.”

The three would-be rescuers stood in shocked silence for a moment. And while Finn seemed doubtful, she could feel the questions burning in Han.

“What do you mean he let you go? Who? Kylo Ren? I saw him take you!”

Finn was almost shaking her now while Han and Chewie stood by. She knew they wanted the same answers. Resigning herself, she nodded quietly.

“He did. I can’t explain it. And, even if I could, you wouldn’t believe me. We’re connected somehow, and he let me go. He even told me how to escape.”

“Connected?”

It was Han’s gruff voice that spoke. And while it was quiet and guarded, hope flickered in his blue eyes. She didn’t understand why, but Han’s question prompted her to reach out for Kylo Ren, like she had in the interrogation room. The feeling wasn’t nearly as strong, but he was there. This tiny thing in the back of her mind screamed ‘him’. She could swear that she felt him nudge back, only slightly. Her eyes opened again, peering back to Han with a solemn nod. They had much to discuss, but now wasn’t the time. Desperately needed to get back to the base on D’Qar.

“Alright. Escape now, hug later. We gotta get out of here before this place blows.”

Quickly, they made their way out of the hanger and into the snows of Starkiller. Avoiding being spotted was difficult as they made their escape. Han took the lead while Chewie brought up the rear. Finn stayed close to Rey’s side, afraid to lose his new friend once more.

The Falcon was almost in sight when she felt it. The sharp pain stabbed at her mind as she fell to her knees in the snow. It felt like the invasion she had suffered at the hands of Kylo Ren, but it was different somehow. She tried to focus through the pain, searching desperately for its source.

The phantom pain ripped through her like hot knives. She cried out, collapsing in the snow. She was disoriented. What was hurting her? Her limbs felt like lead as she tried to lift herself. The pain was mental and physical and she would give anything for it to stop. Firm hands pulled her against something warm and soft.

“Rey! Rey!”

She recognized the voice, but couldn’t place it’s owner. The hands combed over her, searching for injuries.

“Rey, you’re ok. What’s going on?”

Her shock was almost palpable when the realization hit her like a blaster bolt to the chest. She was uninjured. It wasn’t her pain. It was his. She pressed deeper into the dark part of her mind where she felt him the strongest. She focused intently on the source of his pain. She felt him then, almost as though he was turning toward her. He was pushing back. 

Suddenly, the connection slammed shut and she was left in the darkness of her mind. As she came to, the worried faces of her companions filled her mind. Finn was calling her name, almost desperately as Chewie cradled her in big furry arms. 

“Something’s wrong.”

Her voice shook. Whether it was out of fear or the remnants of his pain, she was unsure. She pulled herself from the Wookee’s grasp and stood on shaking legs. She felt the pull again, directing her. The cord in her gut was showing her the way. Turning then, she stalked away from her companions.

“Go on to the ship. There’s something I need to do.”

“No way! Rey, there’s no way we’re letting you go back there. We’ve already placed the explosives and the attacks under way! You can’t go back!”

Finn’s voice rushed at her in panic. She understood, but the pull was too strong for her to ignore. She had to do this. _He_ was coming, and they couldn’t be there when he found her. And, he would find her. She knew it like she knew her own name.

“I have to do this. Please.”

It was Han’s intervention that saved her. He placed a wrinkled hand on Finn’s shoulder, pulling him toward the ship.

“Come on, kid. Doesn’t do any good to interfere with the Force. Trust me.”

Rey nodded to him in thanks before turning and stalking back through the snowy forest, letting the Force guide her. He was close now and the rage she felt from him was deeper. It was a black pit that sucked in everything around it. It swallowed him whole. He was in pain. She could feel it like a phantom touch, a dull ache in her bones. 

Finally, he appeared from between the trees. His mask was long gone, and sweaty black locks fell wildly around his shoulders. While his expression was as emotionless as ever, his eyes were wild, almost crazed. There was so much anger and hatred in him. So much pain. 

“I told you to go. Why didn’t you?”

“I think you know the answer to that. Why did you come after me?”

He was almost shaking in his madness, like a feral animal. His voice roared in her ears. He seethed at her, igniting the crackling blade clinched in his fist.

“I have to destroy you.”

The fear was back. The angry red of the unstable saber brought back memories of her capture on Takodana. It felt like a lifetime ago, not hours. She swallowed hard around the lump forming in her throat and activated her own saber. His frenzied gaze immediately fell on the piercing blue of the blade.

“That saber belongs to me!”

Her bellowed as he lunged toward her to strike. His blows rained down hard and heavy as she did all she could to parry. The sheer strength of his strikes seemed to rattle her bones. Nevertheless, she watched him carefully as he attacked relentlessly. She saw it then, almost unnoticeable against his dark clothing. But the tell-tale stain of crimson against the white snow gave him away.

“You’re injured.”

It wasn’t a question, and she hadn’t expected an answer. He faltered, the blow lacking some of its initial force. With their blades locked, their eyes met. She stared up at him with a ferocity that she wasn’t aware she possessed. Her lips peeled back in a snarl as she tried to force him back.

“Pain is strength. I could teach you. I can show you the ways of the Force.”

“No!”

Her anger consumed her, feeding off the cold fury rolling from him. She forced him back with a heavy push, unknowingly using the Force. And as he staggered for balance, she brought a crushing blow down against him. She could feel the saber tear through him as she drew down. It was sickening. She didn’t mean to. She didn’t _want_ to hurt him. The blind rage left her in an instant. 

He fell back to the pristine snow, a heap of black against white. Unsteadily, he tried to stand to face her, but his injuries were too great. He lay prone on his back, staring up at her. She felt the bile rise in her throat as she saw the damage she inflicted on his face. His cheek and shoulder were flayed deep, but his wild eyes stared back at her in awe.

She knew she should do it. She should finish him. She could end his reign of terror. She could kill him as he lay prone before her, bleeding in the snow. But, the same feeling that pulled her to him stilled her hand. The cord in her gut yanked tight at the thought of his death.

She disengaged the saber and took off toward the Falcon. Tears stung her eyes for reasons she couldn’t understand. She knew he wasn’t dead, that his injuries weren’t enough to kill him, but her guilt ate at her. She didn’t stop running until she had bounded up the gangplank of the ship.

Han stood pensively before her, like a man waiting for his execution. Her breath heaved. She doubled over in exhaustion. Before she was able to fully collect herself, the ground beneath the ship quaked with a heavy rumble as Chewie began the take-off sequence from the cockpit. 

“Is he…”

Han trailed off. His voice was quiet, almost pained. She didn’t understand. He seemed to be almost worried for the monster in the mask.

“Alive. But injured.”

That was all she could offer him before he stalked away toward the cockpit. She was exhausted, both mentally and physically. More than she could ever remember being. On unsteady legs, she pulled herself to the crew quarters to rest.

She had no sooner sat on the bunk when she felt it. There was a slight push from the part of her mind where she could feel him. She was tempted to push back, but her anger and exhaustion stopped her. With a heavy sigh, she fell back into the bunk. Millions of questions rolled in her mind. She didn’t know where to begin, but she hoped that D’Qar held answers.


	2. Philíā

**φιλία**

Virtuous love, expressed as loyalty to friends, family, and community.

* * *

Upon returning to D’Qar after the attack on Starkiller Base, Rey was immediately recruited into meetings with ranking Resistance officers. Despite their victory, there was little time for rest. Battle tactics and logistics were discussed at length. It felt as if everyone involved had a different strategy for combating the First Order. Eventually it was decided that she, as the only Force user, would be sent to train with Luke Skywalker on Ahch-To. She and Luke would be the last hope for the Resistance.

Days after her return to D’Qar, General Organ summoned her to her private office. Han and Leia were both waiting for her. The pair of war heroes showed their age, looking nothing like the austere general and rogue smuggler she had come to know. It was in that moment when she understood that everything she knew would change. 

“Rey, please sit. We have much to discuss.”

The tension in the room was palpable. General Organa sat behind her desk as Han stood at her side, his hand resting against her shoulder. An act of reassurance, but Rey couldn’t decide who needed it more. 

“Before you travel to Ahch-To, there are things you must know. Tell me, what do you know of Kylo Ren?”

Rey tensed. Of course,  _ he _ had been discussed at length during the meetings, but she heavily edited what she shared. Han knew the truth. And now, it seemed, so did Leia. However, she wasn’t sure what all the general knew. She would need to tread carefully.

“Not much. I only know what I witnessed on Starkiller.”

She glanced at Han for guidance and took a deep breath.

“I know I wasn’t completely transparent with the other officers, but I didn’t withhold any pertinent information. I promise!”

Leia heaved a heavy sigh and raised a hand to halt Rey’s ramblings.

“This has nothing to do with strategy meetings and what you left unsaid. This has everything to do with what you know. It is imperative that you are completely honest.”

“I understand. Anything you ask, I will tell you.”

Leia nodded in assent. 

“Given your recent contact with him, what is your impression of Kylo Ren?”

“My impression?”

“Yes. What did you sense from him?”

Rey took a moment to ponder the thought. She sensed many things from him. Rage and loneliness were the most prominent emotions. But there was more to him than that. She couldn’t place exactly what it was, but there was something else. He had released her after all.

“He’s complicated. When I was in his mind, I could feel his anger and his loneliness. He’s insecure. He forced me out before I could see much more. But, in our connection, I can feel something else.”

General Organa’s expression reflected her confusion. 

“Connection? What connection?”

Rey’s anxiety increased with every passing moment under Leia’s scrutiny.

“I … I can’t really explain it. Thinking back, I felt it the moment I saw him. When he pushed me to focus on the Force, the feeling was amplified. I could feel him in my mind … “

Rey was shocked it was Han interrupting her.

“You could feel him? Like when he searched your memories?”

“Not like that at all! It’s more like there’s this spot in my mind that’s his. He’s just there. I … I can pick up on … feelings. Like physical sensation and emotions. They have to be strong, but I can feel it.”

“And now? Can you feel anything now?”

She was puzzled at Leia’s question. Since her return to D’Qar, she hadn’t attempted pressing toward his corner of her mind. There had been too many things going on. But now, as she focused on that dark part of her mind, she pressed against him. It was only a moment before she felt him nudge back. Her eyes snapped open and focused on Leia.

“I can feel him. He’s curious. It’s like he wants to know why I’m reaching out.”

Rey pressed more firmly against him in her mind. It took heavy concentration, but she could feel him responding to her. The connection between them felt muted at their distance, but she could feel it. Under the curiosity, there was that warm  _ thing _ she felt before. She gasped.

“His conflict! I can feel it. There’s light in him.”

Tears gathered in the general’s eyes. Her voice was shaky.

“Rey. I’m not speaking to you as General Organa. I’m speaking to you as Leia, the mother of Benjamin Solo.”

At Rey’s puzzled expression, Leia continued.

“You know him as Kylo Ren.”

Rey’s gasp seemed to echo in the silent room. To say that she was shocked by the revelation would be an understatement. How had the child of two of the galaxy’s most decorated heroes, and the prodigy of Luke Skywalker, descend so deeply to the dark side? 

“Your son?”

“Yes, Rey. I want my son to come home.”

Anxiety was rapidly replaced by pity. All the tiny, disjointed pieces of information slowly fell into place.

“I understand.”

The rest of the meeting passed in a blur. Both Leia and Han expressed regrets for their actions that led to the fall of Ben Solo. Despite their love for their son, neither had been able to save him. But now, both wanted nothing more than for their only child to return. 

Rey wished that she could give them the hope they so fiercely wanted. They had become the parents that she never had. She would give them anything. She told them of her capture and interrogation, including him setting her free. Leia’s hope was a tangible thing and Han sagged with relief.

It was with a heavy heart that Rey told of their battle. The last thing she wanted was to further upset the parents grieving for their missing son, but they needed to know the truth. She was pleasantly surprised when both spoke their gratitude for sparing his life.

\------------------------------------------------------

When she had arrived on Ahch-To, Master Luke was hesitant to train her. He sensed darkness within her, and she understood his fear. Leia had told her of Ben’s fall in great detail. She knew he had destroyed the temple and murdered the other Padawans. And while she would never admit it to Leia and Han, she wanted to hate him even for the pain he caused.

Several months had passed as she trained on Ahch-To. Months since she had last seen  _ him _ in the flesh. Months since they fought in the snow on Starkiller. Months since she carved his face in two and left him bleeding in the snow. And over those months, their connection through the bond grew stronger with each passing day.

It started slowly. During meditation, she could feel a tingle of him against her mind. She didn’t ignore it, but she didn’t press toward the sensation either. It was just there, a tickle against her consciousness. A press of his mind against hers, as if testing her, and then it would fade.

She kept the feelings hidden from Master Luke, knowing he would not approve. But as time passed, the instances of contact grew more frequent. Instead of a press against her mind during meditation, she would feel emotional sensations. It would occur randomly. A bout of inexplicable rage while practicing her forms. Unbearable loneliness as she prepared her dinner. Then came physical sensations. Phantom pain as Luke taught her the ways of the Jedi. It was like a never-ending barrage of sensation.

The first time the bond flared fully to life could only be described as an out of body experience. Sitting in her lonely stone hut, the Force began to vibrate around her like static white noise. Everything seemed to fade as her senses focused on _ something _ . Suddenly, there he was, sitting across from her in the small space. Fear and instinct warred within her as she reached for the blaster and shot him through the abdomen.

Only, he was uninjured, sitting shocked before her as the hole in the wall of her hut smoldered. She rushed outside to investigate her surroundings, only to turn and see him standing before her once more.

“You will bring Luke Skywalker to me.”

She stared at him in angry confusion as he stretched his hand toward her, attempting the mind trick. He appeared to be as confused as she felt as his hand dropped back to his side and his jaw worked in thought.

“You’re not doing this. The effort would kill you. Can you see my surroundings?”

He was so casual, standing there before her looking around. He turned back to face her. She raged.

“You’re going to pay for what you did.”

She spat the words at him in anger, only growing more frustrated by his stoicism. He didn’t seem bothered by her presence at all. It only fueled her fire. His voice was too calm as he spoke.

“I can’t see yours. Just you. No. This is something else.”

At that moment Luke appeared in the doorway of his hut, staring at her in confusion. She was standing in the middle of the settlement when she turned to regard Luke.The bond between she and Kylo Ren began to fade. Before he vanished completely, she heard his whispered question.

“Luke?”

The single word hung in her ears as the world around her snapped back in focus. Their connection had certainly changed. She was willing to bet that it was growing in strength along with her. Shaking herself back to reality, she made a pitiful excuse to Luke about her blaster misfiring during cleaning and retreated back to her hut.

Several nights later, the bond opened again. She was crossing the craggy peaks of the island in search of the chasm that had been calling to her when the familiar static of the Force surrounded her. She paused her steps, but did not turn, hoping he would simply vanish.

“I’d rather not do this now.”

Her voice shook slightly as she spoke. She spent a significant amount of time thinking and meditating on the bond between them. It puzzled her. And more than that, she was puzzled by her feelings about him. She desperately wanted to hate him, but being able to sense him so keenly made that significantly more difficult.

“Yea, me too.”

Despite his quiet voice, her hackles were raised. Questions she was dying to ask plagued her mind. As she learned more about the man he once was, she only grew more confused. She resolved herself to the conversation before turning slowly to face him.

“Why did you hate your parents?”

She trailed off as she took in the broad expanse of his bare chest in the pale moonlight. She turned her head slightly, trying to hide her reddened cheeks.

“Do you have something … a cowl or something you can put on?”

He didn’t seem to acknowledge her discomfort as he stood before her. Refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing her so flustered, she did her best to gather her wits and begin again.

“Why do you hate your parents? Give me an honest answer. You had parents who loved you, who gave a damn about you.”

“I didn’t hate them.”

She was almost frenzied in her questions as she rushed out of her and his calm answer fell over her like the icy waves that surrounded the island. She didn’t understand. A choked sob escaped her as she tried to speak.

“Then why?”

“Why what? Why what? Say it.”

She was agitated that he was making her put words to her thoughts. He forced her to lay her insecurities bare before him. This was his inquisition, not hers. She hated how exposed she felt.

“Why did you abandon them? I don’t understand.”

“No. Your parents threw you away like garbage.”

Although his voice was calm, his words tore through her like a knife. She tried to argue that they didn’t as hot tears rolled down her cheeks, but the words sounded hollow.

“They did, but you can’t stop needing them. It’s your greatest weakness, looking for them everywhere. In Leia and Han, now in Skywalker. Did he tell you what happened that night?”

She listened carefully to the words he wasn’t saying. While everything he spoke was true, she couldn’t help but wonder if he felt like he needed his own parents. Is that where his rage had come from? But, his question about Luke caught her off guard. Of course, both Leia and Luke told her about the destruction of the temple, and she confirmed as much to him.

“No. He had sensed my power, as he senses yours, and he feared it.”

She could see the memories, his memories, dance before her like a holofilm. She could see the rage in Luke’s eyes and feel Ben’s fear. But she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.”

The connection between them dropped just as quickly as it had begun. His words hung in her ears. What could he possibly have meant? She shook herself free of the feeling and continued on her way toward the chasm. She only hoped that she would find more answers there.

It was only when she had returned to her hut, cold and wet, that the bond opened once more. It echoed around her as he came into focus, sitting across the fire. In her emotionally exhausted state, she poured her soul out to him. Tears streaked their way down her cheeks as she told him about the cave she discovered.

“I should have felt trapped or panicked, but I didn’t. It didn’t go on forever. I knew it was leading somewhere. That at the end, it would show me what I came to see. I thought I’d find answers there. I was wrong. I’d never felt so alone.”

“You’re not alone.”

“Neither are you.”

The words tumbled out of her and she was powerless to stop them. The fire did little to warm her as she dried beneath the blanket she pulled around her shoulders. Even though she had done most of the talking, she couldn’t help feeling like they had both laid themselves bare. Raw nerves were flayed open for the other to plainly see.

“It’s not too late.”

She stared into his dark eyes with fiery intensity as she leaned forward and offered him her hand across the fire. She watched him hesitate for a moment before he slowly pulled the black leather from his hand. He kept his eyes focused on her as he reached across the fire.

The moment their fingers met, galaxies exploded around them and visions flashed before their eyes. She saw it so clearly. They stood side by side. Their combined strength was unmatched. She knew he would turn away from the darkness. She just had to give him the right push. She searched his face as their fingers caressed and she looked for the right words.

But everything came crashing down. Master Luke burst through the door of her hut bellowing for them to stop. Before she could process the scene, the stone walls crashed around her. Ben was gone. She and Luke stood in the sheets of rain among the ruins.

“Is it true? Did you try to murder him?”

Luke’s rage was unlike anything she had ever seen. He tried to deny it, but she shared Ben’s vision. She knew what happened and she lashed out. She struck her master with a heavy blow.

“Rey, please! Let me explain.”

She didn’t want to hear him. It was all his fault. She saw it. Ben hadn’t turned before Luke tried to kill him. It was Luke’s betrayal that pushed him over the edge. Ben Solo could have been saved if only Luke Skywalker tried. She rained furious blows against the old Jedi as he struggled to defend himself.

“Listen please!”

He used the Force to still her hand, mid strike. Doing his best to maintain his composure and keep Rey from lashing out further, he told his story. He admitted that his original intention was to kill Ben, but it was a moment of weakness. He resolved himself to help Ben when he woke. Things only escalated too quickly to disarm the situation.

Rey was still enraged by Luke’s actions. The truth behind his words did little to change the fact that it was him who forced Ben to the dark side. She could hear the regret in his words and see the pain in his eyes.

“He’s not gone, Luke. Ben is still there. It’s not too late. I can turn him.”

“Rey, you don’t understand. He’s too far gone. Ben Solo is dead.”

“You’re wrong. He’s still there. I’ve seen him. I’ve felt him!”

“You’re willing to be seduced to the dark side by a pair of pretty eyes.”

His words stung like a slap to the face. Straightening her posture, she attached her saber to her belt before turning toward the cliffs where Chewie was staying with the Falcon.

“I’m going to bring Ben Solo home. You won’t stop me.”

“I won’t, Rey. I hope you know what you’re doing. May the Force be with you.”

She heard the resignation in his voice as she walked away. She wouldn’t turn around. She refused to show him how afraid she was. She steeled her resolve and, with Chewie’s help, left the atmosphere of Ahch-To and launched into hyperspace.

\------------------------------------------------------

Everything happened so fast. They reached the Supremacy more quickly than she would have liked. The plan was sketchy at best, but she placed her faith in him and the visions they shared. But, when her transport pod opened, he stood waiting with a platoon of stormtroopers and restraints. She wondered if she made a mistake.

She knew where he was taking her, and her apprehension was getting the best of her. She tried to reason with him. She tried to get him to turn, but he was resolute. And now, here she was.

All she could see in her peripheral vision was red. Her body ached from Snoke’s attacks and her knees were sore from kneeling. Snoke’s voice taunted from somewhere behind her, but the words felt like white noise. The sensations were similar to the Force-Bond moments she shared with Ben on Ahch-To.

But that shouldn’t have been possible. They were here. Together. She was on her knees staring up at him with fear in her eyes. He glared down at her wearing the face of Kylo Ren. If the situation wasn’t so dire, she would laugh at how easily she could tell the two apart. They were different people in her eyes.

But, no. Now, Ben Solo was hidden away and Kylo Ren towered above her. She should have been more afraid than she was. She knew her death was imminent. But the eyes of Ben Solo stared at her from the face of Kylo Ren. It was the first time she really saw them merged as one.

The tickle in the back of her mind started again. The bond was slowly coming to life. But, not really. This didn’t take over her surroundings like the bond did. This was contained to that little part of her mind that she had labeled ‘ _ his _ ’. It was his voice, not Snoke’s, that filled her ears.

“ _ Trust me. Everything is going to be ok. _ ”

She placed more faith in those words than anything else in her entire life. She forced herself to remain calm. Even if she was to die, she would greet death with bravery. She wouldn’t cower before Snoke.

The bond gave her tunnel vision. All she could see was him. All she could focus on was the stoic mask that fell over his features, revealing only Ben Solo’s eyes. Eyes that screamed at her to trust him. All she could hear was his voice repeating in her ears. ‘ _ Trust me _ .’ All she could feel was the flow of the Force around her. And suddenly, everything snapped into focus with startling clarity.

“... and kills his true enemy!”

Snoke’s voice bellowed from behind her. Between one instant and another, she dropped to the durasteel floor as Snoke’s force hold on her faded with his death. Her hand shot out to catch the glowing blue saber that ended the Supreme Leader of the First Order. She rose. Her eyes met those of Ben Solo. And then, all was quiet except for the hum of their lightsabers. 

For a brief moment, the entire galaxy paused. They held each other’s fierce gaze as the Force hummed around them and their bond flared to life. There was no need for words. The only way for either of them to survive would be to join forces. Failure was not an option.

The battle began in a flurry of movement. Six of Snoke’s Praetorian Guards fell heavily upon them. Glowing sabers pierced red armor and crackling vibro weapons swung through the air. In the commotion of the fight, a calm settled over them. Rey and Ben fought as one, completely in sync with each other. 

Their bond swirled around them, connecting them as they fought. The Force allowed them to sense each other’s movements and know when the other needed assistance. They both knew that in the moment, each would willingly sacrifice themselves for the other. And, in the end, when the final foe fell, and weapons were thrown aside, he approached her.

“The fleet! Order them to stop firing! There’s still time to save the fleet!”

Rey turned to him with panic in her eyes as she watched him draw nearer. Through the view ports of Snoke’s throne room, she watched the slow decimation of the Resistance. After everything, she couldn’t bear their loss.

“Ben?” 

Tears gathered in her eyes as she watched him. He was nearly upon her now. His face, the face of Ben Solo, was unsure as he held a black gloved hand out toward her. He swallowed heavily, voice calm as he spoke.

“It’s time to let old things die. Snoke. Skywalker. The Sith. The Jedi. The Rebels. Let it all die. Rey, I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.”

And while his words were confident, his voice shook with nerves. Through her own anxiety and sadness, she knew how afraid he was. She could feel how deeply he feared her rejection.

“Don’t do this, Ben. Please, don’t go this way.”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be at all. He was supposed to join her! She saw it in her vision. She saw them standing together, united as one. They were supposed to be together. This wasn’t what she saw. But, then again, Luke tried to warn her. Visions weren’t always what they appeared to be.

“No. No. You’re still holding on! Let go!”

His chest heaved with his shouts. His fury was building, along with his fear. She could feel his doubt rising. The darkness was creeping in. She couldn’t let him do this.

“Do you want to know the truth about your parents, or have you always known? Have you just hidden it away? You know the truth. Say it.”

She choked on the sob threatening to rip its way from her throat. She knew what he was trying to do. And she wouldn’t let him. She wouldn’t allow him to drag her into that darkness with him. If their vision was shared, as they both believed, she knew she couldn’t allow herself to fall.

“They were nobody.”

“They were filthy junk traders. They sold you off for drinking money.”

His words stung, but she did nothing to stop him. She couldn’t. Her brain scrambled for any way to turn the tide of this confrontation. She needed to. But his voice just kept on speaking, clouding her mind and her judgement.

“They’re dead in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert. You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You’re nothing. But not to me.”

And that was the crux of it. That was what everything boiled down to. He wanted her by his side, but his fear that she would leave for something better gnawed at him. It ate him alive like some great monster in the darkness. But slowly, his hand rose toward her again as his dark eyes pleaded with her.

“Join me. Please.”

It was spoken like a command, but his voice begged. She was so torn. She wanted him. She wanted to stand by his side. Her vision showed her what they could be. She could feel it in her core, that little sensation that told her exactly what she needed to do. But could she do it? She took a steading breath, locking her fists at her side.

“Ben, please. Let the fleet go. Let the fleet go and I’ll take your hand. They’re useless now. There’s no more than a few dozen left. Please, let them go.”

He shook with rage while his jaw ticked in thought. The hand extended toward her clenched into a fist. She cringed at how quickly the conversation deteriorated. Acting on impulse, her hands shot out and wrapped securely around his.

“Yes, Ben. Yes. I’ll join you. All I need for you to do is to let them go. Please.”

He stared at their joined hands for several long moments, considering her request. Even through the leather of his gloves, she could feel the warmth of his skin. Through their bond, she could feel his resignation to her request. And the Force sang with their decision.

“If I let them go, you’ll stay?”

She nodded, and he moved quickly to give the order. Their shared vision was correct after all. She saw it more clearly now. They would each have to sacrifice to achieve their full potential. This was the beginning.


	3. Philautía

**φιλαυτία**

The Ancient Greek concept of self-compassion and self-love.

* * *

From the moment she took his hand in the smoldering remnants of Snoke's throne room aboard the Supremacy, a peace settled between them, and the bond grew with their proximity. The decision was life altering for them both. This is what he saw in his side of the vision.

With his rise as Supreme Leader and her desertion of the Resistance, everything had changed all at once. She finally stood at his side. And while she knew that her choice was rooted in the light, and made for the right reasons, the fallout was more than either expected.

In the moment, saving the lives of her friends and the remainder of the Resistance had been her first priority. He easily agreed to allow them to flee in exchange for her remaining at his side. Besides, without her, the Resistance was little more than a nuisance, for now. However, she hadn't fully considered the consequences of her actions. It wasn't until later, when she reached out to Leia, that Rey realized what she had done.

He provided her with a subspace comm and a secured channel to contact the weakened Resistance. At first, she was deeply touched by Leia's relief at finding her safe. The Resistance hadn't known she was aboard the Supremacy when Holdo performed her suicide jump to lightspeed. It wasn't until Chewbacca rendezvoused with them on Crait, after the escape, that Leia learned the truth.

Leia explained how they managed to escape but didn't understand the First Order's sudden cease fire, and Rey did her best to explain the situation. She assured Leia that Ben was changing. She explained Ben Solo was the one to kill Snoke. She knew Leia held onto hope that her son would one day come home. But, Rey could feel the boulder in her stomach drop as she explained that she would be staying. Staying with the First Order. Staying with Ben Solo.

Leia did her best to remain calm, but Rey knew what went unsaid. She knew Leia, and the rest of the Resistance, felt as though she failed them. They felt as though she betrayed them. Yes, she provided a vital escape route for them, but she abandoned them in their hour of need. There wasn't much she could say for herself. Her apologies felt hollow. She knew she wouldn't change her answer if given the chance.

That didn't help her now. She was hurt that the people she considered family felt as if she betrayed them. She feared the only thing Leia heard was that her son had manipulated Rey into joining him. That couldn't have been further from the truth. The same intuitive sensation that led her in the beginning led her now. She knew in her bones she was supposed to be exactly where she was, no matter how badly it hurt.

But, things were changing for the better. After the destruction of the Supremacy, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren gave the order to relocate the capital of the First Order to the Steadfast, a Resurgent-Class Star Destroyer. At first, Rey was hesitant to board the imposing vessel, but the Supreme Leader made it quite clear that her orders were to be carried out as if they were his own.

Things were also changing between her and Ben Solo. In the months since the destruction of the Supremacy, their bond flourished. Gone was the tiny tickle that began while he held her captive on Starkiller. Now, the void within her mind filled with him. Unless they were actively blocking each other, he was a constant presence.

They could hide nothing from each other without significant effort, and even then, secretes were only temporary. Sometimes, it was difficult to separate one's feelings from the other's. During strategy meetings, there were times she could barely keep a handle on his explosive temper. During their sparring matches, the combination of their suppressed anger fueled their strikes. When they meditated, his determination to focus kept her on track. Somehow, they achieved a tenuous balance between peace and rage; a gray area between light and dark.

However, there were nights when darkness crept in. In the beginning, when the brooding from his end of the bond clawed its way toward her, she did her best to block him out. She knew there were things he had not shared with her. Nightmares plagued his mind. Nightmares he wished to keep to himself. She understood. She could give him his privacy.

Quickly, the pair fell into a routine. Breakfast was delivered to her quarters promptly every morning. She ate, used the 'fresher, and dressed for the day. Her mornings were spent studying the multitude of texts and holopads he provided.

In the afternoons, she attended strategy meetings with him and other First Order officers. She was allowed to speak freely and offer her opinion on matters regarding plans for the galaxy. He granted her command and valued her input. Of course, he was Supreme Leader Kylo Ren at these meetings. He had to be. But, in the evenings, he was Ben Solo.

After his duties as Supreme Leader were filled, they met in the training hall. They spent numerous hours meditating and sparing. True to his word, he taught her everything he knew. She worked through complicated battle forms with him regularly. He instructed her in hand to hand combat and showed her how to use her small stature to her advantage. And while he gave her his approval easily, she could sense the disquiet in him.

As the months wore on, and their friendship grew, it became more difficult for her to watch him suffer in silence. She started noticing little things, small tells that he let slip through his impenetrable mask. After a particularly rough series of nightmares, the dark circles around his eyes were more prominent. His shoulders seemed to carry more weight as they sagged.

He began losing weight. She worried, watching him carefully to determine if he was eating enough. But with his tendency toward solitude, it was difficult to tell. He still performed his duties as Supreme Leader. He still sparred with her. He still meditated. He still taught her to access the Force. But he withdrew more and more.

Every once in a while, she could feel it. The hatred and self-loathing rolled around her mind in dark waves. She had her own darkness to contend with, but this was something else. This darkness was his. His internal turmoil was almost as familiar as her own. It crept up the bond and clawed toward her, so heavy she felt like she could choke on it.

He was only getting worse, and it confused her to no end. She could feel it in their connection. Slowly but surely, Ben Solo was being pulled toward the light. Having broken Snoke's compulsion over his mind, he was gradually moving forward. But with every step he took toward the light, his mind backed further into the darkness. She knew she needed to intervene, but she couldn't decide the best way to approach him with how withdrawn he became.

She reached her breaking point late one evening cycle. She was restless as she lay in the darkness of her bunk. The only light seeped in from the countless stars outside the transparisteel view ports. She finally drifted off only to be jolted awake by horrible visions dancing behind her eyes. It wasn't the first time their connection had allowed his nightmares to creep in on her, but this was something more.

She sat sweating and heaving in her bunk as she struggled to breath, desperately trying to separate the vision from reality. It had been so real. The events unfolded around her as the subject rather than the viewer. She experienced Snoke's torture first hand. She felt the bones break and the hiss of his voice in her head. The words still rattled through her mind. _Worthless_. _Useless_. _Weak_.

The visions didn't completely fade as she woke. Snoke's twisted visage hung behind her eyes. The phantom throb of old injuries settled deep in her bones. She could only guess what tortures Snoke subjected him to during his training. She was certain these visions were more than nightmares. These were his memories, and that only made the ache in her chest worsen.

A shiver crawled up her spine as she felt his corner of her mind darken. He was awake. She could feel his relief at finding the visions were only another nightmare. But, it was only temporary. She knew the words running through her mind were also on repeat in his. She was acutely aware of him sinking further into the pit of misery he made for himself. He would dwell on the visions, and the past, until it ate him alive. She couldn't bear the thought.

Decision made. She rose from her bunk and pulled a cowl around her shoulders over her sleeping tunic. The corridors of the Steadfast always chilled her. She was a child of the desert, and the dark cold of deep space was something she wasn't sure she'd ever get used to. Shaking free her longing for warm sunshine, she slipped into her boots and out into the halls of the star destroyer.

She didn't need their connection to track him down. He resided only a few blocks down from her. The corridors separating them were deserted at the late hour. But, as she drew closer, the stormtrooper presence surrounding his quarters grew much more prominent. Where she once would have ducked into concealed alcoves to hide from them, she now strode past with her head high. They wouldn't dare stop her.

As she drew closer to his quarters, the feelings of dread grew stronger. She could feel his rage and his pain. There was so much pain. It almost stole the breath from her lungs. She was only a few paces from the door and the Force radiating from inside made her hair stand on end. Steadying herself for what she would find, she took a deep breath and keyed in the code. The door slid open with a hydraulic hiss.

She had been in the reception area of his quarters a few times, before meetings or training sessions, but she never went any further. The room was in shambles around her. Furniture was upturned, and random items were strewn across the floor. It looked as if he had raged for hours until he exhausted himself enough to sleep. She couldn't say she was surprised. He had become quite volatile, and his temper always had a short fuse.

Sighing in resignation, she reached out through their bond to pinpoint his location before zeroing in on the durasteel door to her left. She used the Force to let herself into his sleeping quarters. The room was more dimly lit than her own. Dark, heavy curtains covered the view ports, and only small slivers of light illuminated the space.

As the streaks of light fell across his bed, she finally saw him. The sight that greeted her shocked her to her core. In the middle of his bunk sat Ben Solo. His hands fisted in his hair as his shoulders shook uncontrollably. The Supreme Leader of the First Order sobbed like a child in his bed. He was so wrapped up in his own grief that he hadn't even realized she entered the room. She felt her heart rip in two at the sight.

"Ben."

Her voice was hardly more than a whisper. Despite the quiet, he startled. His hands didn't stray from his face, almost as if hiding from her. He didn't speak, but he did try to quiet his sobs. He seemed to draw further into himself in her presence.

She approached him as one might a wounded animal. And while she had seen him rage, completely unhinged, she had never seen him like this. She felt as though it took an eternity to approach him as time seemed to slow.

She acted on instinct as she reached a gentle hand toward his shaking shoulder. His skin felt like an inferno against her cool palm. She swallowed around the thick lump in her throat as she searched for the right words to say. She wasn't any good at this. At comforting someone.

Instead, she sat heavily on the edge of his bunk, resolving to simply sit with him. What else could she do? Other than the initial tensing of his posture, he hadn't even acknowledged her approach. His head remained in his hands, fingers clinging desperately to dark locks.

As his shoulders shook, she eased her hand in what she hoped was a soothing manner across his bare back. She could feel every flex and quiver in the tense muscles against her palm. Up and down. Left to right.

She prodded lightly across the bond, hoping that she could calm him. He pushed back, almost violently, against her mind. She knew he was embarrassed for her to have found him in his current state. He would fight her tooth and nail if she tried to invade his thoughts now. But, she tried again, reaching as gently as possible across the bond for him.

He relented only slightly, just enough for her to feel the residuals of his pain and self-loathing. All those years spent with Snoke did significant damage to his psyche. She didn't know what she could possibly do for him. Resigning herself for the time being, she simply sat with him.

Slowly, his sobs began to subside as he relaxed slightly into her touch. Large hands raked through his hair and wiped his eyes. He kept his face turned away from her in shame and his voice shook as he spoke.

"I apologize for waking you. I'm fine now. I'll try to keep the nightmares from reaching you."

She sighed heavily at his words. His voice was raspy from his sobs and wet with unshed tears. She wouldn't relent. Not this time. There must be something she could do for him to at least lighten his burden. Her hand froze on his shoulder, squeezing tightly as she spoke.

"Not this time, Ben. You're not ok, and we both know it."

He shuddered, though she wasn't sure if it was her touch or her words that caused it. From the small opening in the bond, she could feel his anxiety radiating from him. He was angry. Embarrassed. Hurt. So many negative emotions rolled within him that she struggled to name them all. He tried to shake off her hand with a roll of his shoulder as he pulled away from her. Dark, angry eyes snapped to her face.

"Leave it, Rey. I'm fine. Now, go."

Her anger was rising now, feeding off of his. His voice was harsh as he spoke, and his eyes rimmed in red. It only fed her rage. Why wouldn't he just accept her help? Why couldn't he just share his burden?

"I won't! You're getting worse and I want to help. Ben, you've helped me so much since I've joined you. Let me return the favor?"

"I told you, I'm fine!"

He was shouting now. His face was growing red in his anger. The flush spread down his neck and across his toned chest. And though she had begun to acknowledge her attraction to him in recent weeks, it spoke to her own anger that she failed to notice. Her shoulders tensed like she was preparing for a fight. Her fists clenched at her sides and her voice raised to meet his.

"Listen here, you kriffing bantha for brains! I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. I can feel just how not fine you are! Let me help you."

"You want to help? Fine! Here. Help!"

Before she could even respond, his large hands were clamped around her ears, pulling her toward him forcefully. As he pressed his forehead against hers, the bond flared completely open and she was assaulted with vision after vision. Visions of his past.

_She could see Han and Leia. She could see how they interacted as a family. She could feel his growing loneliness and alienation as his powers grew. She could hear the awful voice of Snoke. Constantly whispering. Constantly telling him how worthless he was. How his parents didn't love him. How they couldn't love a monster like him. He was too powerful, and they were afraid._

_The voice was the only constant with him. She saw when he was sent to Luke Skywalker. She saw how he struggled to fit in with the other children in the Jedi academy. She heard the whispers about the freakishly strong Ben Solo. She could see the fear in the other children's eyes. And she could still hear the voice of Snoke whispering away._

_Failure. Weak. She could see the night that everything changed. Of course, she'd seen this before. But to experience it again with Snoke's voice in her head was harrowing. She could hear him whisper of Luke's hatred for Ben. How Ben had never been good enough to carry the Skywalker mantle._

_The visions changed then, and the voices stopped. Ben was training with Snoke. The lessons were painful. Broken bones. Exhaustion. Fear. Pain. All the sensations swirled together, mixed with Snoke's voice. Worthless._

_Finally, he won his position as Commander of the Knights of Ren. For the first time, he had hope. He knew he was on the correct path. He would do whatever it took to become greater than Darth Vader. He would destroy Luke Skywalker and the Jedi legacy. But his reprieve was short-lived._

_She saw as he captured her on Takodana and interrogated her on Starkiller Base. She could feel his resolve weaken as they spoke. She could feel his fascination with her as she discovered the Force for the first time. And, after he set her free, she could feel the punishment that Snoke had reigned down upon him. The nightmare._

_It was because of her that he had been punished and sent back out into the snow to finish what he started. It was because of her that he failed. She left him beaten and bloody in the snow. Left him to be punished again by his master. But, she could feel that he did not blame her. He held himself accountable for his failure. Weakness._

Hot tears ran down her cheeks as she pulled away from the visions. Pulled away from him. She knew everything now. She understood. She could see his pain just as clearly as she could see her own. The fact that he even survived was a testament to his strength. Most would wither and die under the torment he endured.

But, he began to pull away again, misinterpreting her silence. She wouldn't let that happen. She sacrificed so much for him. She wouldn't let him suffer alone. Without thinking, she pulled him back toward her, clinging to his broad back as she cried on his shoulder.

He stiffened against her. She could feel the battle within him, debating on whether or not he should pull away. And, she felt when he lost. His arms wrapped around her in a desperate embrace. She only held him tighter as she whispered against his shoulder.

"Ben. You're not alone and you're certainly not weak."

He shook his head in protest. She tried her best to be patient with him. She wanted to help him work through his issues, not push him away. She would give him all the time he needed. But, he startled her as he spoke, voice low and rough.

"I've done so many horrible things. I've been complacent in so many atrocities. How can you sit here with all I'm guilty of?"

"Because I care about you. I want to be there for you. I want to help you. Don't you see it? You're getting better."

She could feel his shock resonate through the bond. He felt like he didn't deserve forgiveness. He thought he deserved punishment. That's when she realized. The nightmares were his way of punishing himself. He was forcing himself to relive all the horrible things he had done, that had been done to him, as punishment.

"I'm not. It's only getting harder. The nightmares are getting worse."

"Because you're getting better. You're drawing closer to the light. Don't you see? If you weren't, if you were still hiding in all that darkness, you wouldn't care about the pain you've caused."

He was close to a breakthrough. She could feel it. She let the Force guide her, hoping against hope she wouldn't say the wrong thing and push him away. They were so close.

"You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. You can become a better person. Let me help you, Ben. Please."

She felt his sigh of defeat in her bones. He wouldn't speak it, but he would agree. He nodded his ascent against her shoulder and she squeezed him tighter in response. He would survive this, she would make sure of it.

She held him a moment longer before pulling away and standing from his bunk. He met her eyes then, finally facing her and his fears. She could feel it again, his doubt creeping in. His large hand caught her wrist.

"Stay. Please."

She regarded him for only a moment before nodding. She discarded her cloak and boots at the side of his bunk before climbing in next to him. He only stared at her a moment as she lay back against his pillows before joining her, his head resting on her shoulder.

His relief echoed through the bond. She feared this development would be awkward. But, when his large arm slung across her waist and pulled her closer, she only felt relief. He clung to her like a lifeline. And, as she relaxed, she ran her fingers through his thick hair in what she hoped was a soothing manner. He relaxed almost immediately.

"I won't leave you, Ben. You're not alone. Not anymore."


	4. Éros

**ἔρως**

Love borne of sexual passion.

* * *

In the weeks since she confronted him, the nightmares stopped. No longer was she awakened by death and destruction. No longer did she feel his fear and desperation creeping up the bond. It was a welcome reprieve to sleep peacefully through the night.

During their waking hours, he appeared to be improving as well. His eyes no longer reflected the exhaustion of a man who feared sleep. His temper wasn’t as quick or fiery. He stood taller. He even began gaining back a bit of weight. Kylo Ren was back to normal.

Ben Solo, however, changed dramatically. He was more focused during meditation and more enthusiastic as he taught her the ways of the Force. There was a spark of playfulness behind his eyes during their sparring matches. They even began spending more time together outside of the confines of their schedules, regularly taking meals together in his quarters. She was fascinated with the change in him.

Of course, things changed with Rey as well. They both attributed the lack of nightmares to their revised sleeping arrangements. Since that night, they hadn’t spent an evening alone. In the beginning, she feared the awkwardness that would accompany the change, but it never came. They fell into their new routine just as easily as anything else between them. She was more at peace than she could ever remember being, which was surprising.

Especially considering the bond between them remained wide open. It was an unspoken agreement. They wouldn’t hide or keep each other out anymore. Thoughts and feelings flowed freely between them. They were a constant presence in each other’s minds.

But, over the last few days, that was becoming a bit of an issue for her. It was easy during meetings with members of the Order, when he was Kylo Ren. She focused on the task at hand. His aloof behavior was simple for her to ignore. 

During training, if he removed his tunic, she would be forced to school her thoughts to keep from giving away her attraction. She was almost certain there were times he tried to get a rise out of her.

But the evenings, when he pulled her close to his side, were the most challenging. With great difficulty, she fought her desire for him. She could admit to herself that she had always been attracted to him. 

Ever since he removed that kriffing helmet in that cold interrogation room. Even when she was afraid, she thought him handsome. Even now, with his face bearing the scar she gave him, he was handsome. 

It was irrefutable that she found other parts of him attractive as well. His dark curls looked incredibly soft and inviting. And, she knew that they hid his adorable ears. She saw his bare chest on more than one occasion, and she couldn’t deny that he was well built. Even his arms and legs were coiled with muscle. He was just so big. And broad. And warm.

A shiver ran up her spine at the turn of her thoughts. She couldn’t do this. Not now. Not when they were about to begin the day’s training. It would make focusing on meditation next to impossible. If she wasn’t centered in the Force, he would easily best her during their spar. Not to mention that, if she wasn’t careful, he would sense her thoughts over the bond. 

Although, she was almost certain that she sensed the same feelings coming from him on multiple occasions. It confused her to no end. Even if he considered her attractive, he never made any attempt to approach her. But she couldn’t focus on that either. 

Diligently, she assumed her meditative posture in the space set aside for their training. He wouldn’t be long now, and she needed to focus to center herself. She must prepare for his presence. While they kept the bond between them open, she did whatever she could to hide her attraction from him.

She was so focused on her meditation she didn’t hear him enter, her mind adrift as she sunk into the Force around her. His knee gently brushing hers as he collapsed into a meditative posture at her side, jolting her back to reality. 

Her nerves swelled as her eyes cracked open. Chancing a glance in his direction, she was shocked to find him already gazing at her. He only offered her a nod and small smile before closing his eyes. She steeled herself. She could do this. She could push down her growing feelings and focus. She had to.

They were in a limbo of sorts. It went on for days. Small touches passed as they shared breakfast. He sat a little closer to her during meetings. Their knees, elbows, or hands brushed during meditation. Their touches lingered longer than necessary during sparring. It was torture. Neither pushing the other further. Both fearing rejection.

At night though, after their daily tasks were finished, she climbed into his bunk. Her nerves had been growing, clawing at her. She was close to reaching her breaking point. But, he reached across the small bunk, like he did every night, and pulled her close. 

He held her like a lifeline. Neither spoke. They never did, afraid words might break whatever spell fell over them. And, in the morning, she would wake with her head pillowed on his bicep and his arms wrapped around her. It was the closest she ever felt to belonging. 

But the spell did break, and everything changed.

He left several days before on some clandestine mission. Despite being privy to much of the planning and strategy of the First Order, he intentionally kept the details of the mission from her. And, when he left, he sealed his side of the bond.

It nauseated her. She had grown so accustomed to his constant presence in her mind that the void left behind felt like part of her was missing. She reached out several times, especially at night, but he never responded. There wasn’t even a nudge back. And it hurt.

But, he was back. Finally. She felt him the moment he broke through hyperspace and docked on the star destroyer. The bond flew open, and she could feel his relief. She hadn’t seen him yet, but she knew he would be coming for her. So, she resumed their normal routine.

He found her in the training room waiting for him. She was too on edge to begin meditation, so when the hydraulic door slid open with a hiss, her eyes snapped up to meet his. She could feel the idiotic smile plastered on her face as he approached. And, to her shock, he smiled right back before sinking down to meditate at her side.

She could feel the change in him, especially as they meditated. The light within him grew exponentially over the course of his mission. And, while she itched to question him, she knew it wasn’t the time. Instead, she sunk deeper, focusing on the new-found light within him as the Force, and their bond, hummed around them. 

The tension between them flourished as they meditated. She knew she should put some distance between them, lest he discover everything she hid, but she was greedy. The scavenger in her clung desperately, and she could admit to herself that she missed him. Lingering abandonment issues fed the doubt that one day he would leave and not return.

But, she pushed through to their sparring session. Sabers today. Sabers were good. Sabers allowed her to keep her distance, and forced her to focus. The low hum of their clashing blades soothed her. However, her focus on him and his movements proved distracting. And, as she grew more frustrated with herself and her rolling emotions, she lost focus. Her movements became sloppy.

He took advantage of her distraction, blocking one of her haphazard strikes with a strong parry, knocking her blade from her hand. Disarmed and frustrated, she struck out against him. She landed a swift kick to his unguarded ribs before he could fully process what was happening. And, as quickly as he disengaged the crackling red saber in his hands, he was on her.

They traded blows in a flurry of movement, using the Force to accelerate and dodge. Hand to hand combat quickly became one of her favorite past times. It allowed her to fully release all of her frustrations. She snarled as she blocked his blows, only to quickly return the strikes. This was different from their typical spars. She could feel it in her bones. They were both too riled up.

With a shout of victory, she flipped him. He was effectively pinned beneath her, the Force assisting her in his submission. They panted for breath as she perched atop him, holding him in place and waiting for his surrender. His eyes were wide as he stared up at her in surprise. And, when her eyes met his, everything snapped into focus.

He launched up and forced her back. Lips and teeth and tongues crashed together for the first time. The bond, wide open between them, rushed with desire. They had denied themselves for so long. The Force sang between them as desperate hands pawed at hair and shoulders and backs.

Her delicate fingers tangled in the dark locks she longed to touch. His lips were warm and pliant against hers as he kissed her deeply. His large hands caressed her back and waist, desperate to pull her closer. A soft moan pulled from her throat as his tongue slid tentatively across her lips, begging for entry. All she could do was feel.

And she felt alive. Just as alive as the bond between them. The feedback loop created by their joined minds made the experience all too satisfying. They sensed each other much like they could during their sparing, but more intensely.

A needy groan pulled from his lips as she rolled her hips against his, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. She repeated the action, desperate to pull more of those sounds from him. The large hands spread across her back slipped lower to her hips, pulling her more tightly against him. Breathlessly, he pulled away from the kiss. The bond told him all he needed to know, that she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her, but he forced himself to put words to thoughts.

“Are you sure?”

Her hazel eyes were bright as she stared at him. A light flush dusted her freckled cheeks and her lips were pink and swollen from his kiss. A pang of adoration surged through his chest. If she denied him now, he wasn’t sure he would survive.

“More than I’ve ever been.”

He beamed at her, his smile brighter than anything she had ever seen from him. Dark eyes fluttered closed as he leaned in to kiss her once more. The kiss, more languid than the first, still seared through her with white hot intensity. His warm, soft lips moved over hers in a slow caress. His hands guided her to roll her hips against him. Beneath her, she could feel his length hardening. He was a drug she was quickly becoming addicted to.

Her hands slid from his hair to his shoulders where she slipped them beneath the collar of his training robes. The heavy black fabric gave easily as she finally slid her hands against the warm skin of his chest. She grinned victoriously into the kiss at his soft whimper. He pulled away once more, panting heavily.

“This … this isn’t how I’d imagined it. Us. Being together.”

“You’ve imagined us, like this?”

Her tentative question brought another grin to his face. How could he possibly explain all the thoughts he so fiercely hid from their bond? Especially since the night she had come to him. Every night that he’d held her in his arms. It was torture. Words failed him. He wasn’t good with expressing himself, never had been. So, he let the bond speak for him, pushing his hidden desires toward her.

“Oh!”

Everything hit her all at once. His desires. His affections. The feelings and thoughts threatened to drown her. Drown her in him. And, she wanted it all. She also sensed his nervousness and fear. Fear that she would reject him, even now. She gave him a soft smile before pushing her own wants to him. She watched in fascination as realization dawned on him.

“Really?”

Of course, he could sense her sincerity, but he had to ask. He needed her reassurance. A weight he didn’t realize he carried lifted at her soft smile. 

“Come.”

It was as much a command as it was a request as he stood and offered her his hand. She grasped it in her own hand as he helped her from the floor of the training room. He would never get used to the feeling of her hand in his. He couldn’t imagine a world where she refused his touch. He knew now, with certainty, that she would take his hand anytime it was offered. As he would take her’s. He’d follow her to the ends of the universe. 

In a few hurried steps, they were out in the corridor. They made their way quickly through the halls leading back to his quarters. Their quarters, now. He hoped. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and he glanced at her with a tight lipped smile.

Several personnel gave them curious looks as they passed, but all quickly turned their attention elsewhere. No one wanted to draw unwanted attention from the Supreme Leader. They kept moving, but he knew rumors would be flying by morning. The First Order may be a well-oiled military machine, but it wasn’t immune to gossip.

Finally, the durasteel door to his quarters slid open. And, in the privacy of the main room, awkwardness fell over them. With the previous urgency of their encounter gone, neither were quite sure where to begin. Rey looked down, toeing the floor, before glancing back up to him.

“I‘ve … I’ve never done this.”

He gave her a reassuring smile, gripping her small hand tighter and pulling her towards him. He dropped her arm over his shoulder as he wrapped her in his arms.

“And you think I have?”

A faint blush dusted his cheeks. The tips of his ears, peeking out from his dark hair, turned pink. He was adorable like this. He looked so young and carefree. He looked nothing like a 30 year old, battle hardened, Supreme Leader. He looked like Ben Solo. She couldn’t help but smile as she leaned into him.

“I wasn’t sure.”

He gave a short laugh.

“I grew up as part of a celibate Jedi order. And with Snoke …”

He flinched at the memory, a slight frown creasing his features.

“… let’s just say he didn’t encourage attachments either.”

Her heart clenched at the thought. A boy who heard sinister voices in his head before he was old enough to speak. A boy who’s own parents feared his power and drove him away. A boy who woke to his uncle and master trying to murder him in his sleep. A boy who had been manipulated and abused by a new, more evil master.

Yet, he survived. He fought. And, he was here, with her. She steeled herself against her nerves. She wanted him. She wanted to soothe and encourage him. And she wanted to help him become the man she knew he could be. She stretched to place a gentle kiss on his jaw.

“Well, then. I suppose we’ll have to learn together.”

“Together.”

He echoed her sentiments before dropping his lips back to her’s. Unlike the first kisses they shared, this was slow and tentative. His lips pressed gently to her’s as his arms tightened around her. Her hand crept up his neck and into his dark hair. She loved the way it felt beneath her fingers. As his tongue traced her lips softly, she opened to him.

Without breaking the kiss, he backed her slowly into his sleeping quarters. His large hands traced up her spine as he held her close. When the backs of her thighs pressed against his bunk, he paused only to lift her onto the surface. She pulled away slightly, gasping for breath. The fire between them roared back to life. 

Her greedy hands tangled back into the front of his training robes, boldly seeking his warm flesh. They trailed down his front to the belt holding the robes in place. Delicate fingers worked deftly to untie the material, and finally his robes fell open. Her hungry eyes roved over him.

She had seen his bare chest numerous times, but this was the first opportunity she was given to appreciate his form. His face held the smug smile of male satisfaction as he stepped away to shrug off the robes. Her hands immediately fell back to his flesh as he approached. 

Large hands found the ties at her waist to pull her free of her own robes. He worked efficiently as he pushed them off her slim shoulders. His eyes widened in innocent awe, despite her breasts still being concealed beneath her bindings. He surged forward, kissing her once more, tugging her bottom lip gently between his teeth.

“Is this alright?”

His words came out in rushed pants. He could feel her desire for him through the bond, loud and clear, but he still sought her approval.

“More than alright.”

She smiled softly and reached for the small knot that held the wrap in place. Glancing up at him through her lashes, she watched his eyes follow the strips of cloth as she unwrapped the binding. And as the last piece slipped from her skin, she could sense his hesitation. She took his large hand in her own and pressed it firmly against her chest.

“It’s alright, Ben. Please, touch me.”

His hesitation vanished as he pulled her closer, one hand at the nape of her neck and the other massaging her breasts. He tugged her hair free from the brade she wore to train, allowing it to cascade around her shoulders. He stared at her, the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen.

She pulled him closer then, kissing him once more. Collapsing back onto his bunk, she tugged him over her, his weight settling comfortably between her thighs. Nothing had ever felt more right. The Force vibrated around them as the bond hummed between them.

She draped one thigh over his hips, pulling his pelvis flush to her own. The friction was maddening and she rolled her hips up to meet his. A needy groan tore from his throat. He deepened the kiss, pressing himself against her. His mouth trailed away from her lips and down her throat. He nipped her delicate skin gently, soothing with his warm tongue. 

Nothing had ever felt better than her soft, warm skin against his own. Even littered with scars, she was softer than any of the finest fabrics he had felt across the galaxy. His kisses traveled lower, eventually settling over a taught nipple.

He lapped the sensitive flesh, listening carefully to the moans that fell from her lips. He suckled lightly, teeth gently nipping against the hardened bud. She writhed against him, grinding her hips harder. Releasing her with wet pop, he moved to the neglected twin.

He loved the way she moved against him. He loved the way she tasted. He loved the way she moaned for him. He loved the way her flesh felt beneath his palm. He smoothed his hand over her abdomen, gripping her hips to guide her near frantic grinding. He was painfully hard.

But, it wasn’t enough. His skin felt two sizes too small. He needed more of her. He needed to feel more of her against him. He slipped one hand into the waistband of her trousers, glancing up from his attention to her breasts.

She nodded in assent, eyes wild with her bottom lip held between her teeth. With one more lick to her nipple he pulled away. Standing at the end of his bunk, he tugged off her boots and socks before returning to his position over her. 

His lips found hers once more as his hands fell to her hips. Gently, he tugged the trousers down her long legs as he pulled away. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. 

“Never seen a naked girl before, Ben Solo?”

He shook his head.

“Not like this. Never anyone like you.”

“I’ve never seen anyone like you either.”

It was true. She’d seen plenty of naked men and women at Niima Outpost, but none of them looked like him. He was tall and pale. All broad shoulders and rippling muscle. She couldn’t help herself as she let her gaze linger over the sizable erection tenting his training pants. With a blush, she stretched her arms out, beckoning him.

His lips met hers, and she was reminded of a man dying of thirst. Like he had been stranded in the Goazon Badlands for days. He devoured her. And, she loved every moment of it. His hands stroked lower, over her breasts and abdomen, down between her legs.

She let out a soft cry into his mouth. She was no stranger to pleasuring herself, but no one else had ever touched her there. His caress was tentative and searching, unsure of what to do. Without much thought, she slid her palm down his arm. Her hand fell over his, showing him exactly how she wanted to be touched. 

“Like that?”

“Yes. Please …” 

Her voice spilled out in a breathy moan as large fingers found her sensitive bundle of nerves. Her legs shook lightly and her hips thrust up to meet his hand.

“Ben…”

He groaned at the sound of his name falling from her lips. Doubling his effort, he pressed harder against that magical place that drew those sounds from her lips.

“Tell me what you need.”

He all but growled against her throat as he continued his assault on her senses. All he could hear was her whimpered pleadings rattling around in his mind.

“More … Ben, please. More … fingers. I need …”

Her voice trailed off into a moan as one large finger slipped inside. Nothing she had ever felt could compare to this. Her own small digits could never reach the place inside that he stroked so easily. The stretch was delicious. She rocked her hips furiously against his hand, feeling the warm coil in her belly tighten.

Ben was helpless to do anything except watch the feelings of ecstasy cross her face. Her head tilted back as her spine arched. Her brows furrowed in concentration. Her mouth fell open with her panting moans. He was absolutely enraptured.

“Ben, please … more. I’m … I’m close.”

Obiently, he slipped another digit into her tight channel. Working them in and out, he curled them to rub the place inside that had her keening the loudest. His thumb worked almost frantically over her nub. Her fingers clamped to his wrist like a vice, holding him in place as her hips rocked.

Finally, the dam broke and she came with a sharp cry. Her back arched further as her rolling hips stuttered in their lost rhythm. He could feel the pulsing of her inner muscles around his fingers as he worked to prolong her orgasm. When she was left writhing and panting, he pulled his hand away. Bleary hazel eyes stared up at him.

“We, uh … we don’t have to go any further. If you don’t want to, that is.”

Her blissed out expression took the edge off the angry look she tried to give him.

“Not a chance. I want you, Ben Solo.”

She gave him a brilliant smile, pulling him back down to meet her lips. She could almost taste his apprehension, the bond rolling with nerves. Her fingers tangled in his hair as she nipped his plush bottom lip. Her hips pressed up against his, grinding herself against his nearly painful erection. He moaned against her lips, pressing further into her.

With his distraction, she pressed against his chest, rolling him back and switching their positions. Large hands gripped her hips, pulling her closer. With a final nip, she shimmied away to kneel before him. Her delicate fingers worked their way beneath the waist of his training pants in an effort to tug them down. He caught the hint, swiftly kicking off his boots and lifting his hips to assist her.

His nerves flared again, once he was finally bare before her. He grossly underestimated the vulnerability of being with her like this. Rey, however, didn’t appear to mind one bit. Years growing up on Jakku had desensitized her to nudity. That’s not to say that she didn’t find him impressive. She had never seen a man that looked anything like him. 

Sensing his tension, she eagerly crawled back into his lap. Lean thighs wrapped snugly around his waist as delicate arms draped around his broad shoulders. She grazed her nose agaist his afectionaltely before kissing him once more. She was fairly certain that she would never tire of kissing him.

His hands found their way back to her skin, arms wrapping around her and drawing her closer. His cock stood proudly between them, painfully hard. Even with the distraction of her skin and kisses, he struggled to focus on anything else. His desire for her was all consuming.

Without warning, her delicate hand wrapped around his length in a tentative grip. The hiss that escaped through his clenched teeth took both of the by surprise. Rey yanked her hand away as though she had been burned.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only wanted …”

“Rey, I’m fine. I … it just felt good.”

She peered up at him through her lashes before placing her hand back on his cock. It jumped in her grip, eager for contact. She pumped him lightly at first, but as her confidence grew, her fingers tightened around him. It was all he could do to restrain himself as he groaned into her shoulder.

He lifted his head, unsure of when it had dropped. Her hands felt exponentially better than his own ever had, and he wasn’t sure he would last. Reluctantly, he placed a hungry kiss against her lips and tugged her hand away. Leaning to the side, he reached to grab the prophylactic from the compartment next to his bunk.

“Someone planned ahead.”

Her tone was teasing, but he couldn’t help but feel the need to explain.

“I didn’t … I only…”

He ran a shaking hand through his hair and heaved a heavy sigh.

“I hoped that, eventually, this would happen. I just wanted to be prepared.”

She gave him a kind smile before placing a kiss on his forehead. He really could be sweet when he wanted to be.

“It’s not necessary.”

She lifted her arm and pointed to the small scar from an incision.

“Standard issue birth control implant courtesy of the Resistance. Can’t have pilots and Jedi running around pregnant during a war.”

He sat motionless, halfway between reaching for the compartment and holding her close. It took his brain several moments to catch up to the words she spoke.

“I … I want to feel you, Ben.”

That was all it took. His lips crashed against her own as his hands ran up her sides. Desire ran like fire through their blood. Their hips rolled together and he knew that to have any hope of making this good for her, he needed to control himself. He needed her. Now.

Rey could feel his urgency through the bond and resolved to take matters into her own hands. Literally. She gripped him again, and lifted herself over him. With her free hand, she braced against his shoulder as she ran his cock through her folds to her opening.

He stilled immediately. She wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. His hands flew to her hips, whether to stop her or to steady her, she had no idea. She placed a languid kiss to his full lips before leaning away to stare into his eyes.

“Ready?”

All he could do was nod. 

And she was sinking. Slowly. Slowly. Inch by inch. The stretch was agonizing in the most delicious way. His thickness pulled at her muscles as she opened around him. Finally, her hips met his. Her breath rushed out all at once as she sat with him fully sheathed inside.

For Ben, all brain function ceased. His hands gripped her hips like a vice, holding her against him. He panted into her throat as her inner muscles flexed and clung to him. It was the most incredible torture he ever felt. He struggled to form even the most basic coherent thought.

“Are you … ok?”

She nodded against his shoulder, her fingers digging fiercely into the skin of his back. There was some pain, but it was fading fast. The way he felt inside her. The way the bond between them hummed. The way the Force echoed around them. She felt complete. Whole.

With a tentative roll of her hips, she was moving. His hands gripped her hips tighter as she moved over him, head falling to her shoulder and gasping into her skin. The feedback loop created by the bond had both of them on climbing dangerously close to the edge. 

Hips lost their rhythm quickly as tension built. Hands raked over any flesh within reach. Lips and tongues clashed passionately. Sighs. Moans. Grunts. Time seemed to both stop and accelerate all at once. 

He could feel her inner muscles clenching around him as he thrust up. Suddenly, her spine went taught and her fingers clutched at his biceps almost painfully. The sounds falling from her lips were almost obscene as she came undone around him. 

The sensations were too much and the tight coil he had been fighting to hold back exploded. He saw stars as he emptied himself inside her. There was nothing in the galaxy that could compare to this. The pleasure. The feeling of completion. 

They both panted heavily, breathing and heart rates still accelerated. He lay on his back, sprawled amongst the pillows and blankets of his bunk. One arm held her close, where she was draped over his chest, and the other hand combed through her tangled hair. Her nose was nuzzled to his throat, planting lazy kisses. The bond between them thrummed in completion. This new sense of oneness.

This was home.


End file.
